Lost In Me...

I know, it's usually the other way around, but hell who's writing? Yep, now moving on..

I've spent an abominable unenviable weekend studying for 171.. yes that three numbered subject that seems to do no good to anyone.. the most theoretical POS math I've ever encountered... well there was breaks in between (God forbid I keep going 24/7 at it, I'd die from insanity)

Break 1: Facebook/Plurk

Yes. I've been so active in Facebook lately. All the notes, tags, and responses.. my inbox is literally swamped with them, and I just erased them today.. anyway.. both it and Plurk are readily available distractions, and Plurk is quite useful as well (public proving sessions LOL)

Break 2: Porno Graffiti

Yes the band sounds like something from a R-rated movie, but they're amazing. As in. Neomelodramatic still has me trapped in its melody.. now Mahoroba and Apollo have both captured my attention as well, for those who want a sample of their music go to heavensdrive.tk and download the Best Ace's album.. should tell you that it contains their best work.. :))

Break 3: Omegle

Yes I'm such a loser that I just tried Omegle this Friday. I had several interesting conversations, but by far the most interesting I ever had was with a 17-year old American girl who likes dogs a little too much, and who expects an honorable mention when I win the Grammy for using her life story (which to be honest is more melodramatic than some Filipino soaps, and that's saying something) too bad that was my first conversation and I didn't know yet (or didn't notice) that you could save it up.. It was effing hilarious the way she described cutting using very colorful adjectives (a menstruation of the hands.. honestly.. that was one effed up girl..) and the propositions.. I had a blast though.. one guy kept typing egg :)) and with all fairness to the Koreans, they didn't speak in Korean this time, not like what Jman experienced.. and an Aussie praised my English (but I guess he was being condescending (I'm sorry I still can't detect online sarcasm, or maybe there was none) (and of course this is all suspicion))

Break 4: Conversations with Jman in YM

Just last night, we probably had what could be considered the weirdest conversation saved on my archives. EVER. And I have pretty random discussions there as it is. Let's just say that I plan to stay safely away from Jman during the AMS First GA.

Break 5: Reading fluff fan fictions

This was the major break that took place today and yesternight.. I was up til 11 reading fan fictions.. and I don't know.. I have a soft spot for anime characters and I guess its the inner kid in me.. and also me wanting to learn how to write fluff, since all my stories have come to the point where the main character and his lady/ies (I'm a kind of Harem (honestly how could I mess this up lol) writer expert who seems to be going into mono pairings, can you blame me?) start the subtle romance stage, and I can't exactly use my flair of the poetic or my Old English charm here. My His and Her stories are nothing compared to what I could write before I was so disappointingly halted by a lack of drive.. and so I've stooped so low as to read fluff fics.. and picking up stuff.. for example.. a sweet kiss is defined as a light brushing motion that deepens on repeat while the more passionate ones build up and end up to well.. I could continue but then maybe I won't..

Break 5: Writing this

I really am out of synch with the world that I have to post again? Well, I just want to dump stuff upon stuff upon stuff.. since each break makes me see the truth behind the truth... and as a hint as to what it is.. I didn't pull my plurk name out of thin air.. :)) I'll leave that to you to figure out :P Maybe you've already figured it out if you reread closely enough... hahaha..

So I haven't posted anything in a while, I realize that much, and this is the most opportune time to do so. I'm currently at the matteo ricci study area, typing away on my laptop instead of going to mass (yes I know I'm going to hell already, no need to remind me thank you), waiting for some clarity to hit me so that I can add at least a few more pages to my book or finish the Gyges paper (which I'm still thinking of, by the way) for tomorrow. wait, wait, I forgot to go through the line-up of my first sem teachers, so without further ado..

Ec142:

Uh, the guy babies us, what more can I say. He seems to think that the best way to teach us is to go through the information the same way you'd do it... with a GRADE SCHOOL STUDENT.. I get that he thinks we're inferior or something to him, but hey.. a little respect, please?

Th 141:

Can you say bipolar? I sure can. The guy's nice and he has the Kennedy accent, but to randomly switch from anger to joy faster than you can say hedgehog (which has no connection, actually) is weird..

Hi 166:

Uh I had no idea we'd be taking up American history here. Kind of fun, but between America and Philippines, I'd choose Western Europe, thank you very much.

Ph 104:

My most entertaining class so far. The guy knows his philosophy, and then some.. a ton load of energy, just wish he doesn't ask for too MUCH brevity...

Ma 171:

Proving is a b**ch, and here its the heart and soul of it all.. Something tells me its going to cause (and is actually currently causing) sleepless nights.

Fin 121:

Ah, save the best (I'll leave that to your discretion, ladies and gentlemen) for last. The guy feels like a total pushover, and yeah that's about it.

So there you have it.. moving on..

I'm enthralled that things are back to normal, or even better, than before. I've been accused (and am probably guilty) of oscillating between them, and I'm not really bothered by it. I guess this is really normal for me, but its really weird because even though it isn't good to do so (I can handle one heartbreak, but two simultaneous heartbreaks? Egad), I still persist, albeit very awkwardly.

I had a funny conversation yesterday with someone. We were jumping from topic to topic, and it came to a point where we were discussing somthing very funny.. she told me that I shouldn't "abandon" my project head.. Ten responses jumped into my head at that statement but I chose the lame cop-out ":) syempre". The other nine ranged from super stupid to one that probably wouldn't reach the light of day (and rightfully so). I just found it funny that I kept going back to it in my head while I was reading up on deleted neighborhoods and isolated points and trying to understand the mysteries of the min max functions in lieu of absolute values and blowing myself up on trying to find the inf and sup of sets. 

As a matter of fact, yesterday was probably the weirdest day of my life. I had funny conversations left and right, and a few things came back to bite me in the ass while a few things reminded me of the past I just want to seem to go back to. This sem is shaping up quite nicely to become the most bizarre semester I'll probably ever have, and the good (if you can call it that) news is that there are 3 more to go...

My curiosity will probably get the best of me, but to hell with that...

Summer's over... that was apparent ages ago. We're a few days removed from the start of the school year and I still have no inkling where this year will find me. I was optimistic, but optimism seems to be an extravagance which I cannot reach anymore - like its been removed as a viable option. Sad, really, when you think about it. Good job then that I'm not really thinking about it, yes? Well, not really.

People say life is interesting. I say they don't know the real meaning of the word. Interest... what does it really mean when we say we're "interested" in something - does it mean we like it, we want to learn more about it, explore it, so on so forth? Maybe. I don't want to look at the dictionary definition of the word, because chances are I won't be better off then than I am now. So where does that leave me? Pondering between the known and the unknown connotations of the word. Hey, here's something.. the word itself lends to its own definition.. interest.. if we were to brute force a split in the word, I'd have to put it this way: inter-est. That opens up a whole new train of thought for me to ponder. the most inter, as it were.. inter here of course being a connection.. so we could also say that with the most connection.. quite apt a definition, even as a make-shift one.. so "interesting" would mean in the act of the most connecting.. kind of weird sounding, but it makes sense - we would never be interested in anything we didn't feel the least bit connected to, on some level or another..

This springs up a whole world of notions and presuppositions that ask more questions than gives answers, but I'd like to think this is an eternal truth we are familiar, if not all too uncomfortable, with. We do things, a whole lot of things, but we only label few as interesting.. working with the definition then, we only label selected things as those with the most connection to us. Consequently, it becomes something we wish for with all our heart, something we want to do for life, a career, a path, a destiny, even though I am quick to dismiss the existence of such a term. It becomes a drive, an obsession. In Anime terms, a Gate or a Geass.. something with which we draw energy from and sacrifice so much just so we could go through the motions of a mundane life, battling our internal and external, albeit invisible to all save ourselves, monsters.. Yet we stop and think, what has been the purpose of it all? Have we, in our quest for self-fulfillment, reached reliable and stable and definite answers to our questions, or do we keep adding to our list of questions which give rise to new quests, new interests to which we cling on to to answer our original questions..

Life is so simple, if you think about it. We live life to die in the end. We didn't need all this drama headed our way, that was all our own creation - our own insecurities coming out, driving us to seek answers where there were plentiful, and ask questions when there were supposed to be none. Our world is one where you are a curse of your own success, where one taste of it drives you to ask for more, as if success were a drug which we eternally must satisfy. It's what drives everything, really.. all these politicians fighting for the penultimate power of being remembered in history, even only as a footnote (although a whole chapter would be more interesting for them, wouldn't you say). It's what drives progress. I recently said in a report that people work together for progress. That was the biggest lie I ever laid. Individuals work for progress because of their selfish interests. They want to be recognized for something they did, and that's their main interest. No one is different from that... every altruist does so for his own purposes.. it isn't a truth I project onto others, it's a truth we all must accept - we are creatures of the self. Nothing more, really. Peace? We might as well have asked for our own destruction.

Of course, people would say I'm spouting crackpot stuff, but the sad part is, they're also probably right. What right does a 19 year old math major know about the world, anyway? I'm politically inept, socially indifferent and spritually corrupted. Who knows if this is all just the act of a soul asking for salvation? We will never know. Hell, this may just be in my own interest to write because its what I feel I have the most connection with.

How does this then relate to whatever is going on in my life? I'll leave you to that.. you're smart enough to understand what my interest is by now, right? You made it to this part of the post without closing it, so I guess you understand perfectly. Good.

*Last Week*

What a week.. how to possibly phrase this week in words escapes me at the moment (probably because I'm still trying to recover my vocabulary which has been severely compromised because I've been forced to think of nothing but math, which always lends to the detriment of my vocabulary.. which means my new poem doesn't have the complication I want it to have.. (by the way, side note.. sonnets are fucking hard to compose.. either I'm too inept to confine myself in the definite limits of it or I'm too much of a liberal to consider it, either way).. anyway..

for two days, I was forced to rely on my natural eyesight when I accidentally over-adjusted my spectacles and forced one leg to hyper-extend to the extent of breaking it. My eyesight (which has been reduced to two arms' length of distance) has forced me to squint a lot to see something and has caused me a whole shitload of headaches (not adding to the fact that the day the injury happened, we HAD to have a math test, which I won't even go into. damned as it is) and has basically forced me to take a closer look (both literally and figuratively but of course you would know that (duh, Hector.. the readers aren't as dumb as you think they are)) at a lot of things and yeah I didn't learn much from what I already knew..

I don't know if being this paranoid is doing me any good. I'm doubting everyone and everything and expecting the whole damned world to fall any day (which this swine flu (oh I'm sorry H1N1 Influenza A) will probably do (which is actually a good thing, think about it people are now afraid of it and CDC can't find a cure yet.. although my mind's still hell-bent on this flu thing as a successful US test run on a romping stomping kick-ass counter to anthrax, but yeah)) and everyone to start shooting each other (yeah, I'm watching/playing too many monster movies) and yeah.. life is so full of drama. I can't believe it's all playing out this fast, and I don't have TiVo to record it and replay it to see what I could have done better (well you could've not done that but yeah you already did so stop bitching about it) and yeah talking to myself isn't really helping me but hell..

Right now I'm in the midst of another crisis looming.. not in any real terms but in the shift of the tides of battle.. I feel like I'm going to be washed away if I don't enforce my own right, but at the expense of others? Funny now that you think about it.. the world could have collapsed a few months ago and I wouldn't have cared the least, and now I'm thinking of collateral damage? What happened in the interlude, between now and then? I don't quite know. maybe this is a sign... a sign of what exactly is something I ask myself... Like somehow I'm changing the story again, redrawing new lines, recreating new destinies, which shouldn't be the case because what has been set in stone one cannot easily break.. I'm babbling and I even doubt if anyone will likely understand ( I even doubt that they read this, whoever they may be )... Much as I'd like to continue, I'm likely too give away everything, so yeah...

Hmm.. Battle.. yeah, I remember now... I was on my way home on the day my glasses broke, cursing the world for allowing me to break my glasses (yeah I know, but I had to blame someone.. I couldn't blame myself IMMEDIATELY, that'd be like breaking conceited ass rule no 1 (never blame yourself, only in retrospect) (yeah I made that up, so don't bitch, hater)) and I was thinking of chess, of all things, and of how mismanaged the pieces seem to be on every chessboard at this moment. The towers,knaves and bishops are all doing very well, but the pawns are as usual being misplayed. The pawns and their potential are being once again usurped, and shit.. yeah that's how I'll end this post and make a new one.. so yeah...

It's freaky. People are listening to Jai Ho as they post stuff. I on the hand, without the luxury of my headset (primarily because my headset's currently attached to my laptop, which isn't connected to the internet, and I'm on the desktop) am forced to do this one to the tune of my television set, so yeah..

Summer classes began about a week ago, and since then I've been engulfed from head to foot in so much drama I feel I'm going to spontaneously explode one of these days.. It doesn't help that I feel like I'm just trapped. SO, before I go emo-tripping, let's take an academic review so far..

Ma 151.. SOMEONE please save me from this horror. They don't make teachers like ours by following the mold, mainly because with him, there is no mold. He talks weird, he breaks into poetry in class (which I personally am not privy to, but if only placed in the PROPER (take note) context. Just because someone says Nightingale doesn't mean you break into a recitation of Ode to a Nightingale, thanks)). If there was a redeeming quality to this (and I do hope the silver lining's big enough, because this guy is messed up) is that I haven't fallen asleep yet. If he was unbearable, I would have dozed off already, but yeah, so.. 

Lit 131. Yeah, aside from the multitude of readings, it's an ok class. I digress, but I have already fallen asleep here, just today, but there is a very good reason, which we will come back to in just a while. Sir isn't so bad, but yeah, I would want more, uh, solidity in a teacher of (and here comes the contradiction) poetry. Oh well, one can only ask for so much. Which reminds me I have to download Book I of Paradise Lost. I know I could just borrow from the Library, but heck, piracy is such a better option.. until you realize that it's 20 fricking pages.. oh well.. tomorrow then..

JSP 1. This is odd.. first time I've had an all-male professor line-up.. haha.. sir is funny, if not frightening, yes I'll leave that to you, dear reader/s (if this could even be pluralized).. well.. that's about it..

Yes, I seem to have no interest in academics. You come to a point where you just get fed up, yes? Well, I've had just about enough of all this pretension. If I have to endure two more years of this, I swear I will burn out ( I already am in the process, but that's a moot point).. My mind is just wired differently but I keep my ship steady all because of my parent's sad sad wishes. Makes me think about just ending shit right here and now. Let them wallow in their own disappointment and regret. Okay, chill out time..

yeah, so why all this negative energy? It's probably okay that I'm letting it out here on the interwebs, where it can find sympathizers and they can all crowd together in a cloud of emoness.. wait, I haven't tackled the reason yet? Yeah.. so there's these two loose threads and I seem to have them figured out, but it's exactly the idea of what they mean to me right now confuses me. The more I realize it may be the truth, the more I realize I sort of wished it wasn't. The truth is something I don't want, I don't need, but all the more I seek it. Kind of funny when you think of it. Kind of sad too, but more funny than sad.

Music Update: Yeah, my desktop has been graced with the headset so yeah..

back to these loose threads. One of them seems to be done already and I'm just waiting for a Punk'd. The other one, I don't want to pursue. All these small hints, and I couldn't see it. What a detective I am. Lolz...

Again, I make no sense, and yet to me, its made the clearest of explanations. Maybe its just my randomness at work, or it may be I've been through so much shit that I don't know wtf coherence is, but I rather treasure these moments I can wallow in the collection of cliches and stereotypes that is life. Where my vulnerability is not a question, but a certainty, and my pain is about as proportional to my pleasure as it is to my well, pain.. yeah, way to go me...

So, what's stopping me from just ending my pain either by my death or the deaths of multitudes? The fact that I can play along. If I can do that, there's hope we'll all live a bit longer.

Sorry. Don't say you're sorry, you never meant it anyway................................. so desu ka?

I'm sorry. That's about all I'll say.

Since I'm supposed to be writing (which is turning out to be a major bust because I can't get past page 5, honestly I have to get flushes of inspiration constantly, because I can't sustain it thoroughly, and I can't force myself to write this romance story which shouldn't be impossible in the first place because I've always found it easy to dream romance when I want to, and now I can't write about it, so that says something about my skills with romance novels,but anyway) I suppose I could continue with the part 2 of the OSOP.

In part one, it was insights generated from the various subjects, for part two I'd like to zero (apt choice of words, considering what I've done this whole afternoon of thinking) in on personal things, drops of ingenuity I pick up from people around me, insights I generate from listening to what other people say.

I'm a person whose main trait is (redeeming or not as the case may be) curiosity. I want to know a lot of things, and for that very reason I like to observe people. I hate being in the limelight mainly because it prevents me from watching the show that is life. I haven't yet produced enough results from this observation, but I'm using them for my own characters, since only in college can you see a collection of such intriguing personalities.. it probably is for this reason I took my core subjects separate of my blockmates this year in general. I took subjects where I was the only one I knew there and built new friendships from there. I made contact with the most varied set of people who gave me a whole lot to think about, like my luck(?) with being blessed with such an intellect, as some of my philo friends, knowing that I passed the UPCAT, wondered why I chose Ateneo over UP, and how amazed I was at how free their lives were, that they chose their courses not really thinking about the future that they were forced into, but a future they chose for themselves, a future where they could do what they really wanted, and that got me thinking a whole lot. Maybe I was wrong in my decision then to move away from an obvious comfort zone, since these people were somewhat foreign because I kept hearing voices contrary to what I had been accustomed to back in my first two years. Still, I continued my observation, listening to all their insights, even becoming close to them, and maybe just maybe I understood what I was looking for - I was looking for a reason, for any reason, not to die yet. I was getting sick of using love as an excuse for a raison d'etre, and I was looking out there, for a reason, for any reason, to continue life. I'm not suicidal, far from it, I talk about it out loud so that I'd talk myself out of just taking a razor blade and start cutting one of these nights.. but for some reason this second semester I've been feeling less and less suicidal, probably because I've found my reason, and thank god it's not a selfish one..

but there are a lot of times all this isolation gets to me.. there are people I don't like because their characters are all but copies of the stereotype, and  it pisses me off (honestly, yeah, what a hypocrite I am, I'm probably playing stereotypes as well, but to live your life within the stereotype is so boring), so much so that I probably passed judgment too fast without the consideration that there was something behind the stereotype.. but you probably don't know what I'm talking about so I'll just move on..

So, the second semester found me in more familiar ground as I came upon the realization that I was a person who could never ever ever live alone. I don't know whether it was all this isolation, all this cold observation, all this forced smiling and laughing, but people continued to uncover more and more and I kept running out of excuses and rationalizations.. once again, you don't understand, but even if you do, could you claim not to? Good for you if you can, but if you can't then welcome to the club.. I don't even understand myself, and yet I refuse to talk to anyone but a post which honestly won't talk back to me. The attempt to humanize it is probably something which I keep doing, talking to objects as if they were a reality onto themselves. People find this weird, and I must admit it to be, but one finds solace in the fact that these objects speak whatever we want them to, that we give them a voice of their own and simultaneously not their own as well. What a twisted tale I've woven, maybe I shouldn't have compressed everything after all..

Moving on, there were a lot of things I realized as the semester progressed and I found myself faced with the prospect of the looming future which threatens to subjugate me, to consume me,. as it were, to be violent towards me (and the use of the Levinatian concept of violence is intentional) and I fought.. humanity's history has been one of rebellion, an unending struggle that defines what we are - we only accept as long as we are in full control, and that means someone has to be subjugated under us, which of course that someone will not accept, and he will fight for it. Now that I think about it, we're even lucky society exists when our mindset is our own personal glories. Sure, we can mask it under the call of Nationalism and all that crap about the welfare of the many, but to be honest (and no one would agree of course, on basis of the human principle of the best foot forward) we're all creatures who look out for number one, who so happens to be ourselves. We learn to lie, to kill, to intoxicate ourselves with wine and cigarettes in order to sustain our illusions, but in the end, we can never know the consequences of our actions.. "the butterfly effect", as it was phrased..  and yet we endure, we continue, we survive because we are. We are and we hope to be more. This is something philosophy taught, that the self is a mystery, and a gift. Maybe this was a realization a few years too late, but change is always present, and one can only hope for it.

I seem to have blabbed on and on without making a point, but this is something necessary, I think. We always hear about exorcising our demons, and mine seems to be all this pent-up I don't know what forcing me to empty all my thoughts down to their very last drop, and maybe then I can have a peaceful life then, but peace is nothing but an illusion, something we hope for because there is nothing else, and yet we still believe...

There are a lot of things we realize every step of the way as we journey through life. We learn of the harsher realities, of conditions that become obvious only when scrutinized, that we really do teeter on the edge of everything at any given point in time.. peace is most fragile of all because we put violence into violence, hoping that our wrong will cancel out the wrongs before.. only in math do I see that happen, but history, and our own history is not exempt, of this negation of a negation, of this death of a death so that life may continue.

and honestly I feel like I've been going about this the wrong way, and yet I continue to do so..

so what has the second semester of the 3rd year been exactly? what with all this drama, all this tension culminating into moments we all look back to and say that we lived through these things and we stand, for better or worse, all because of it? We can't really tell.. I might have been too influenced by so many things and that's why this post sounds so weird and all, but maybe not..

Let's delve into more important memories this sem brought..

- who knew I'd ever be more tempted than ever to off myself this semester? Although I can't blame any particular person for it, maybe it was all because I was unwilling to "face the music", as it were, and my denial up to this point has led to this inevitable moment where I realize my fragility isn't so fragile so long as I hold everything from a certain distance mostly because there are some feelings which we must keep in check before we falter and realize we've gone too far and can't stop but to be addicted, like some drug which we feed on and the cessation of said drug would cause us to collapse..

- there was this one conversation I had where I learned that the viewpoint of the world will not change, that the preconceived notions of the lecherous pretenders to the throne of society would firmly stay in place, and where change is the cancer rather than the cure.. that the rules etched in glass have become entombed in stone, that the disease has become the body, and the ridiculous cries of society go unheeded because the system plays its part all too well, suppressing the masses with all the bullshit in the system, and that WE, the so-called agents of change, cannot overcome this.. all the more reason for someone to stand up and incur the wrath of the world for playing by the rules of the right, acting as the lone devil who'll save us all..

- that there are moments where we can feel that the world didn't forget about us, and that God (whatever He is) decided to bless us with people who we could call friends, who we share our time with, for better or worse, and that these people, more than observation pieces, become integral parts of our lives that detachment becomes hard, even more so when we find that we care too much that we can't let go, and that we act selfishly to keep them, even at the cost of things like pride, and that no matter how hard they hurt you back, you can't let go, you forgive and forget as if nothing happened at your own expense.

- that there are moments where the doubt just sweeps away and the choice becomes clear as daylight, and there are moments of uncertainty, but we persevere because we must. We risk too much by existing in a place where irrelevancy is the name of the game, and we know that our choices are governed mainly by our fundamental choices..

- that there must be a decision we must face with much regret and act on them because we have deluded ourselves in thinking that this is our resolve, only to realize it was half-assed and self-preservation we wanted. Altruism becomes our excuse for our selfishness. Our duty becomes a comfort, knowing that we CAN do something...

I'd continue, but I find that I have run out - that time has run out on me, and that I find that my memories now become distant hazes, images that linger, phantoms.. but I feel happy that I can now look to tomorrow (literally, because we begin our 4th year tomorrow) with a slate cleaned out and ready for new experiences..

approximately 4 pages sa MS word.. I guess I'll stop here. Farewell, 3rd year...

This is something I thought of ever since I saw the nuisance posting daily (or every so often) brought to me.. I'll integrate all my thoughts and reflections in a synthetic post, which I now christen OSOP or One Sem in One Post.. of course with the summer will come a little bit more stuff to dump as I prepare to immerse myself in a study of 19th century poetry, but let's not get ahead of ourselves..

The semester that passed. In one word, I'd say it was Exhausting. So many things seemed to have been stretched out to their limits this time, and when its all said and done, the repair needed to be done would be tiring, to say the least.

Same as last semester, my Monday (and consequently, Weds and Fris) would begin with Ph102, under this pretentious asshole let's hide under the name MM. MM seems to have gathered some more hard-core philosophers this time, thinking that we could handle harder stuff now that we've survived his 1st sem. I'd have to say, even though I didn't like this semester's readings as I did the 1st one, I learned (or rather, realized) a lot more this semester. I learned about Merleau-Ponty and his god damned ekstasis, Levinas and his infernal Infinite Responsibility, and Ricoeur's ideas on politics, which I thoroughly enjoyed therefore no expletive haha..  it was just that as I was reading through them, i had a lot of questions I so wanted to ask them about how these things played out in their lives, that how long before they understood these concepts, and that if they truly understood them, but alas, I had no more chance to. I'll come to the realizations in the latter part

Math is and will always be, for all eternity, math (this is as insulting as I dare get because I'm majoring in it still, oh how I wish). But this time math had a subtle effect on me. As I was solving all of these darned problems, I came to the same realizations as I did in Philosophy. The same questions. The same silence. I was beginning to realize why they were probably trying to teach us philosophy. We'd learn to bask in the silence of our questions first there, and so learn to expect no replies until we can answer them with our own comprehension, which in my case, could take an eternity, but that's not the point, well maybe it is, but let's not flatter ourselves.

Theology would greet me on Tuesdays (and Thursdays), and the only redeeming quality of the class was that the teacher attempts to be funny at least. I'm sorry, I don't care if you like the subject, but as far as I'm concerned, the Holy Roman Catholic Empire can stop pretending to be some holy body when all they really do is make a whole lot of money to expand their empire (okay, I'll alienate people so I'll stop now)

Economics. What a laugh and a half subject, albeit not my cup of tea, I still end up pretty well..

History 165. Now, that's a subject. At first I was hesitant, because I didn't do so well in my high school Philippine History class (Zaide and Agoncillo couldn't agree, and it confused me, hence my grade, a very bad 87..), and it didn't help that Ms. Garilao insisted on giving us each an individual copy of Envelope 41... but I enjoyed it nevertheless because I felt like it was something I'd enjoy.. I'm not really good with tests, but I like the discussions we had.. I had a lot of fun with this class.. Which is to say the least about the class which, in my opinion, features the hottest professor I've come across in my entire ateneo education..

How, oh how could I have forgotten about Political Science? (This after panicking when I thought I had lost the god damned draft of this post) This was a two-fold thing though.. I first began with the second most technologically illiterate, badly dressed, old hag of the Political Science Department, from which I promptly shifted to a Saturday class.. (yeah I know, but wait) which turned out to be my smartest move of the semester (the second smartest was taking that TBA for Eco). I really learned a lot and the insights will follow in the latter half..

(I'm running pretty short on a post I expected would be AT LEAST 20 pages long, what with everything that happened, but hey let's not remember everything because not every event is meant to be etched onto memory)

So, what can I take away from this semester which marks my last as a Junior and is a precursor to my being thisclose to being a Senior? Let's see.. let's run through this subject by subject

Philosophy really redeemed itself in my eyes from first semester. From Heidegger/Descartes/Marcel, I took away this feeling that there were so many things that could not be resolved in life, that there was so much that we needed to understand, and there was no solution in sight.. but the second semester gave me this better picture of life, that in spite of all this pain and anguish, that even in all of this non-sense and wide-spread violence we cannot avoid, there is still this hope that there IS something out there, that we exist, not only as non-necessities only born to die (a sad fate if you think about it), for a higher purpose and that we live in a world of violence, guided only by our morals and ethics and what not.. we must all hope for something greater which we seem to forget so easily.. haha.. even I had to be constantly reminded of this fact, over and over,. maybe that was why I had difficulty with philosophy this sem, I couldn't come to grips with the fact that there are things we cannot try to control and there are things we have to just look forward to...

Math, rigid as it is, gives me a lot to think about in terms of my future.. as I sat through all those classes, I realized that this would be my future, unless I change it, which sent me into whirlwinds of thought as to what a future career would be for me.


We can safely set aside Theology (not) haha.. Theo is probably one of those things that will be of use to me in the future, but I'll keep in the side pocket for now, same for Eco.. god knows who learned what there..

Histo, now we come to one more hard-hitting subject. I learned a lot more during the pre and post class discussions with ma'am.. I learned about her views on history and life, and made me realize that I had to expand my own walls, that I had to go out more if I wanted to see the world for what it is - books and sources can really only go so far (why I'm realizing this just now is beyond me) and that interpretations remain to be interpretations only, they bear no real meaning until such time as we can back them up, so biases really are groundless things..

From Political Science, I learned that there are ways to see the law, and that it doesn't have to be all black or white plainly. That there are a lot of loopholes in every system, and being smart means that you can apply all these loopholes to your benefit..

Now, you're probably thinking this is all academic, but you'd be wrong.. now for some of my personal bests this sem..

Rock Band - this beats everything else I've experienced this semester.. I mean this is something that began as a past time before our career assessment test thingy and it became a way to let out frustrations..

This sem saw a lot more people come closer into my personal space, that I become more and more open, and maybe it was time, and I don't feel any more dangerous about it now as back then when I had a lot of pretensions I felt I had to hide, but with every wall collapsing, I feel that I can make connections easier.. haha..

so much for a riveting post, I've probably just bored you to death here.. haha.. anyhow.. here's to the end of the sem, the end of Junior Year.. I am so NEVER doing this again..

Dahil naaliw ako magflashbacking... at wala pa akong maisip gawin

Ninakaw ko lang...hehe...kaaliw

RULE: Bold everything that applies to you.

Noong First year: (GALILEO)

-Naculture shock ka (sino ba namang hindi.. parang sobrang tatalino ng mga tao pag nkta mo eh haha tsk MaSci xa lol)
-Naliitan ka sa school mo. (well oo maliit tlg xa)
-Nakabisa mo na ang school mo within 3 days.
-Takot ka pa sa mga higher years.
-Tumatambay kau sa bahay kubo.
-Kilala mo lahat ng kabatch mo.
-Wala ka pang kina-cut na klase. (haha naalala ko un dala2 ko pa lague sched ko para di ako mawala)
-Kumakain ka ng lunch sa hallway, sa hagdan, at kung saan-saan pa dahil puno ang canteen.
-Namimiss mo pa ang mga Grade 6 classmates mo. (haha syempre..)
-Mabait ka pa sa mga teachers mo. (dpt nga hnd pero first year pa eh.. wla pang masyadong sungay)
-GC ka pa.  (hahaha.. 4th year ln nmn ako tinamad sa high school eh)
-Nangopya ka na. (nga ba? Ata, ewan)
-Di ka pa marunong mangopya.
-Umiyak ka nung bumagsak ka sa Math
-Naging campus heartthrob ka.
-Nagkaroon ka na ng first crush sa school. (haha.. how could I forget.. LOL)
-Cool pa ang corny jokes. (si OJ sobra hahaha)
-Nilipad ang palda mo nung mahangin or may bagyo.
-Takot ka pa ma-late sa subjects mo (hanggang ngaun)
-Binili mo lahat ng libro na reference ng teacher mo. (mom ko eh)
-Nagkaroon ka na ng group of friends (haha ewan ko kung iaacknowledge nila ito lol).
-Loner ka pa.
-Nakitambay ka pa sa mga dati mong kaklase noong Grade 6 ka.
-Nagalaga ka ng sisiw
-Madami kang nirepeat sa drafting. (Journ boy ako)
-Bumagsak ka sa kahit anong subject.(uhm, no.)
-Merong subject na sa sahig ka umupo. (MAPEH tlg eh)
-Library period & Music free time. (alala ko un kxe pag friday last period lib period so diretso n kme com shop hanggang mga 5 siguro lol)
-Naintindihan mo ng buong puso ang Micro Ace. (haha.. ang cool kaya nun.. beep pa ng beep, parang time bomb, tas may LED display pa)
-Nashock ka kasi Algebra agad ang tinuro sa inyo.
-Bumili ka ng sweets na binebenta ng teacher during class.
-Sinusundo ka pa ng nanay mo sa labas ng skul.

Second year: (EDISON)

-Tumaas section mo. (nagulat nga ako eh)
-Bumaba section mo.
-Ganun pa rin section mo.
-Gumamit ka ng liquid eraser para maging white ang background color ng ID picture mo dahil bawal ang colored
-Nagtetext ka pag Bio time.
-Nalimutan niyong magdala ng frog para sa Bio. (frog dealer kaya ako nun.. lol)
-Hindi kayo nag dissect ng frog.
-Nag-dissect kayo ng frog. (napakaraming weird na nangyari sa mga frog eh.. may naalala ako lumulundag2 buka un stomach.. sobrang cool pero sobrang mali eh)
-Puti lahat ang buhok ng teacher mo sa Bio.
-Itim lahat at shiny ang buhok ng teacher mo sa Bio. (adviser namin to kung di ako nagkakamali)
-Nakakatulog ka sa Comp Lab pag naglelecture ang teacher niyo.
-Nagdadala ka ng Campbell sa school. (bible ko yan nung 2nd year.. mabuhay si Campbell)
-Kumpleto notes mo sa Bio. (lalo na pag clearance)
-Kinabisa mo ang Kreb's Cycle (wla eh..  wlang choice,pero thank god kinalimutan ko xa agad)
-Kumpleto notes mo sa lahat ng subjects. (sa tulong ni Ace.. haha..)
-Napatayo ka na sa Geom dahil wala kang HW.
-Napagawa kau ng banderitas ng teacher mo sa English para sa piyesta ng barangay nila.
-Nagkadevelopan kayo ng seatmate mo. (sino ba seatmate ko nun?)
-Nashock ka dahil may Bio Chem at Physics na agad.
-Nanonood kau ng MYX top 20 habang wala pa ang teacher at nasa classroom na ang TV.
-Nagkaroon ka ng kaaway sa higher batch.
-Nagkaron ka ng friends sa lower batch.
-Masaya ka dahil may mabubully ka ng lower year.
-Fave Subject mo ang MAPEH. (si ma'am pali tlg eh)
-Inenjoy mo ang HATAW2.
-Kinanta nio ang HATAW2 dahil sira ang karaoke.
-Naging bibbo ka.
-Music = free time (lagi naman eh)
-Nakita mo ang slippers ni ma'am yumang. (Journ boy)
-Nagtinda ka ng chicharon sa classroom nyo para sa entrepreneurship.
-Bumagsak ka sa Asian History exam. (ma'am Lazaro, never!!)

Third year: (LINNAEUS)

-Tumaas section mo.
-Bumaba section mo.
-Ganun pa din section mo (haha wla eh di ako gnun kasipag para mapasama sa top 8 ng Edi)
-Dalagang-dalaga/binatang-binata ka na. (uh, cge sure)
-Malungkot ka kasi ang tagal ng dismissal time mo. (6 pm? OMFG)
-Masaya ka kasi ang ganda ng dismissal time mo.
-Umiyak ka dahil sa napakahirap na test niyo sa Chem.
-Nag-prom ka sa high school grounds. (ndi kme papayag no)
-Nag-prom ka sa hotel. (well clamshell pero cge oo)
-Tinawanan mo ang Chem book na makapal kasi hindi naman masyadong ginamit. (leche un.. 800 din un)
-Naguluhan ka sa mga exam sa Advanced Biology. (meron pa kmeng bet2 na exam amp un sobra, wla ata akong napasang exam sa AdBio.. pano nga ba ako pumasa dun?)
-First time mong makakita ng precipitate.
-Ginamit mo ang buhok mo para itago ang mukha mo dahil natutulog ka sa klase. .
-Natuto ka ng umuwi ng late dahil sa mga school projects. (eto un eh.. masci's legacy to us)
-Natuto ka ng umuwi ng late dahil sa SABAYANG PAGBIGKAS. (ampness to, kht ndi ako performer, backdrop ln kme nun eh.. grb tlg un backdrop na nagpapalit, the best!)
-Dinugo ka sa Research. (haha anlabo pa ng topic ko nun.. peanut charcoal.. sobrang huh)
-Dinugo ka sa Chem.
-Nahirapan ka maghanap ng research topic. (sobra)
-Nangopya ka ng research topic ng mga higher years na graduate na.
-Nagkaroon ka ng madaming friends. (infamousness has its' upside)
-Excited ka bago mag Prom.
-Maangas ka sa mga lower batches, lalo na pag wala ang fourth year.
-Nagjournalism ka. (forever journ boy ako eh)
-Nagaccounting ka.
-Naghome economics ka.
-Natuto kang magconnect ng circuit.
-Kilala mo si MoKing.
-Naging teacher mo si 'walking sleeping pill'. (honestly, sino xa? TW ba to? Kung oo, oo..)

Fourth year: (ROENTGEN)

-Kumuha ka ng review classes para sa entrance exams, hindi para mag-review, kun'di para maka-kilala ng mga tao at para makapaglakwatsa after. . (naman.. haha.. review-bahay ako eh)
-Nag-alala ka sa magiging resulta ng UPCAT/(school na gusto mo). (oo, sobra.. kxe naman gusto ko tlg un BAA.. pero gusto ko rin sa Ateneo.. labo ko no)
-Nagexam ka sa lahat ng college na pwede mong pagexaman. (di ako natest sa DLSU (dito plang may bias na ako lol) kht nakakuha kme ng free app form.. ganda kxe nung folder.. di rin ako nagtest sa UST.. pero ok ln boring daw eh)
-Naluha ka sa Les Miserables. (Ang drama naman kxe ni Jean Valjean)
-9am ang lunch time nio. (10 sa'min sbi ni danish, kaya oo nln)
-Kayo rin ang bumibili ng mga produkto nio sa BAKING CLASS/TLE.
-Tinatiming mo ang paglabas nyo ng classroom para kumain sa pagdating ni Ma'am Diaz. (haha.. eto un eh.. before Ad Chem to db?)
-Bumagsak ka sa Analytic Geom. (haha.. ayoko sa subject pero pumapasa naman ako..)
-Nakagat ng aso at nagleave ang teacher mo sa economics. (Jacob? lol..)
-Namatay ka sa kakatawa sa Advance Chemistry. (para kayong fesh sa feshpond.. grb tlg.. tas un name daw ng asawa nea San.. kxe San Francisco.. amp eh)
-Alam mo kung ano ang Acidic acid.  (eto un isa pa eh.. dpt Acetic.. pero wla eh)
-Gumamit ka ng gawgaw para lang mapatayo ang panyo mo sa CAT. (haha un pyramid test)
-Tumatakbo ka na pag late na sa CAT dahil may demerit.
-Naging platoon leader sa CAT.
-Excited ka sa last Prom at Grad ball mo. (haha kht sad un prom at un grad ball eh wla xa, ok lang)
-Napamahal ka sa mga kaklase mo. (Roent the best eh..)
-Binisita mo ang mga bahay ng mga kaklase mo para sa project. (Kay Jaysonnel.. haha.. for eco)
-Nanghihiram ka na lang ng research paper ng ibang group dahil tinatamad ka na gumawa ng iyo.
-Binaboy mo ang huling Filipino exam dahil 'yun na ang pinaka-huling exam mo sa high school. (haha sobra.. )
-Naranasan mo ang magplan ng layout ng kuryente sa future house mo. (aww ndi ko gnwa yan kxe journ ako)
-Nagdala ka ng canister.
-Nagwala kayo nung last day of classes niyo. (haha.. last day = scraping of walls.. lol..)
-Namroroblema ka kung anong school ka magcocollege. (well marami samin gusto mag UP so ako namoblema kung UP o ADMU)
-Nagkagusto ka sa kabatch mo. (haha, do I have to name them all? lol)
-Nagkagusto ka sa lower batch.
-Nagkaroon ka ng kaaway sa lower years.
-Nagkaroon ka ng maraming friends sa lower years.
-Natutuwa ka kasi ikaw na ang ate/kuya sa school mo.
-Nalulungkot ka dahil mamimiss mo ang mga school friends mo. (haha un mga DOTA Boys, at sina Mai.. haha..)
-May umaaway sa inyo na teacher. (3rd year pa xa eh.. ndi nakagetover lol loser nea kxe eh)
-Muntik na kayong hindi gumraduate.
-Muntik na bawiin ang diploma nyo.
-Pumasok kayo the day after graduation. (wla eh we love masci.. not.. pero oo.. clearance eh)

Over-all:
-Naglalaro kayo ng card games sa mga classroom.  (YuGiOh counts, db? Plus pusoy dos, tong its tas bluff tas kung ano2 pa..)
-Naglaro kau ng volleyball sa loob ng classroom.
-May mga planner nga na binibigay ang school pero hindi mo ginagamit. (haha lol eto.. may muka pa ni Lito Atienza.. tas un mga quotable quotes.. ampness)
-Nagtapon ka na ng clay sa ceiling
-Mas gusto mong mag-banyo sa cr na malapit sa room ng mga thirdyear nung 4th yr ka..
-Kilala ka ng mga tao sa canteen. (haha lol)
-Kilala mo si ate retail..
-Nagkaron ka ng bf/gf sa school. (SSB parin.. hahaha)
-Nakikishare ka ng inumin kung kanikanino lang...at pati pagkain.
-Nagpapalibre ka. (sino bang hindi..)
-Humihingi ka ng mga piso o mga barya.
-Humihingi ka ng papel sa seatmate mo. 
-Nakapagbigay ka na ng papel sa seatmate mo.
-Isang linggo ka nang walang papel.
-Isang linggo na walang papel seatmate mo.
-Nag lecture na kayo nang brown out.
-Umikot ka na ng malaking ikot para lang iwasan si Teacher pag inspection ng haircut. (hnd ako nagpapahuli eh.. masyado akong mabait)
-Nakakopya ka na ng homework. (Haha AdChem tlg eh.. parang mass copy session.. haha.. nagliliparan ang mga sagot kaliwa't kanan)
-Nagpakopya ka na ng homework. (give and take ln nmn eh)
-Nanduktor ka na ng papel. (sad to say, pero oo)
Nangodigo ka. (sinubukan ln.. gumana naman..)
Sinulatan mo ang calculator mo ng formula/ formulas. (favorite trick ko to eh.. un mga proctor naman ndi nagtaka.. scical sa ENGLISH? lol)
Sinulatan mo ang desk mo ng formula.
Sinulatan mo ang pader ng formula. (naman.. haha)
Present ka nung nagkabagyo at 30 minutes before dismissal bago nasuspend ang klase. (haha..)
Inabangan mo ang iba pang weeks na half day.
Alam mo ang free day.
Memorized mo ang holidays ng saints.
Memorized mo ang iba pang holidays.
Nagtetext ka sa klase.
May tumunog na phone sa klase.
Alam mo ang Batis ng diwa.
Kabisado mo ang kanta ng Maynila.
Alam mo na ang original na first line ng hymn ay Batis ng diwaNG ginto't dalisay.
Sumali ka sa choir.
Nagiging iba ang relihiyon mo pag may mass kasi ayaw mo umupo ng matagal sa quad. (almost)
Nagpatintero kau sa harap ng Bordner. (haha.. bad memories)
HABORDNER ang una mong basa sa H.A. Bordner. (kxe naman di kita un period, san ka pa)
Nagtop ka sa klase mo.(asa nln ako)
Kung 4th year ka o madalas ka malate. (ako, late? hahahahaha)
Nagcharge ka na sa classroom ng phone or ipod.
Nagtanong ka na sa YM o txt kung ano ang HW. (madalas to.. dhil di ako nagnonotes masyado eh)
Natanong ka na kung ano ang HW, at ikaw rin mismo ay di mo alam. (consequence of no notes.. dito nagsisimula un mga texts na kung san2 pupunta asking sino may alam ng homework)
Nagtanong ka ng homework, at nang malaman mong madali, di mo rin ginawa at nag cram ka nalang kinabukasan sa school. (haha.. overconfident eh)
Bahay mo na ang classroom. (haha.. sa linne pa nun may parang mga cabinet kaya pwd pagiwanan ng gamit tlg..)
Nahuli ka ni Teacher dahil wala kang ID. (good boy ba ako masyado?)
Hindi mo kinakanta ang Lupang Hinirang. (wla akong choice kxe minsan naglelead eh)
Umabsent ka dahil tinamad ka lang.
Nanalo kau sa sabayang bigkas. (hnd ln namin napanalunan eh un carol fest at noli play)
Nanalo kau sa choric interpretation. (eto un English db? go Linne tlg)
Nanalo kau sa carol fest o kahit anong choir contest. (Danish, fourth year tau nanalo nun, db?)
Natulog ka habang sinasagot ang NCAE. (boring ng exam na un tanga pa un proctor)
Nakatulog ka habang nagsasagot ng exam. (madalas to)
Pumupunta ka sa school kahit sabado. at linggo. (hmm.. pag may practice)
Nagcut ka ng last subject para makauwi agad.
Humingi ka ng papel sa katabi mo kahit sinabi ng guro na bawal. (masarap ang bawal eh)
Nandaya ka na sa mga running exercises ng PE.
Bahagi na ng iyong buhay ang malate at paglinisin ng garden. (never nga akong nalalate)
Nagiging athlete ka tuwing Intrams.
Kinakareer ng bawat klase ang Sabayan at Carolfest. (oo, may trainer pa kme and all tas mga 10 plus na umuuwi)
Ginawa niong practice ground ang Paco Park. (haha.. saturday hangout..)
Nagppractice kau after class at every weekend kahit bawal. (haha kasalanan ba namin na competitive, dpt masaya nga sila nageeffort kme haha)
Nagbibihis kau sa classroom. 
Nabighani ka kahit minsan sa chem teacher mo.
Iniimpersonate nio ang mga teacher nio. (haha.. poorly done, pero wla eh)
Masarap masaksihan ang mga away ng mga lalake sa batch niyo.
Nagseservice/school bus ka pa.
Nalulungkot ka dahil walang fieldtrip. (meron pero pangit eh)
Ang Filipino Department ang pinaka-astig. (Ginoo rocks.. si Vidal at si Gozo pwd na.. kxo plastic eh.. haha.. pero asa nmn sila pag Noli at Fili exams.. haha.. kinorrect ko pa nga si Gozo eh, tas un dep head nila.. haha.. wlang kasing puti lol)
Dinugo ka sa Florante at Laura, pati na rin sa Noli at El Fili. (half true.. isa pa yang Ibong Adarna.. biruin mo every chapter dpt may summary lol.. I owned Noli and Fili..)
Alam mong maraming pagkain tuwing Christmas Party.
Napikon ka na minsan sa Trigo teacher mo. (si Sollera? haha cool kaya nea!!)
Pumupunta kang library dahil sa Values teacher mo.
Nakakatulog ka tuwing Econ time. (haha kxe naman eh.. pano ka aantukin kung binabara mo un tagalog ng English lol)
Gumagawa ka ng homework sa umaga o kaya sa 5-minute break. (habang nsa LRT nagbabasa)
Pinapangarap mong pumasa sa Physics. (bagsak ako nung first GP exam sa physics.. 49/100.. mark kxe eh lol jk)
Nakapagtanim ka na ng puno para sa bio.
Nakapaglaro ka na ng DOTA. (haha.. adik kxe sina Pau, Camilo at Pade..mga hayok.. every friday ba naman.. ampness)
Natalo ka na ng bading sa DOTA.
Apat lang ang gusto mong pasukan sa Pilipinas: UP Ateneo, La Salle, o UST. (2/4 ln haha.. sorry)
Second choice mo kadalasan ang UP kahit na mas mahirap makapasok dito. (kinda)
Alam mo kung kailan dapat gamitin ang rito at dito at ang ng at nang. (ata)
Utang na loob mo sa classmate mo na marunong ka nang uminom at magyosi.
Binuhat ka ng isang nanay na hindi mo naman kilala dahil baha.
Masaya ka tuwing walang klase. (sino bang hindi)

ayan ang Masci life.. haha..

I am torn. Damn. I hate how paranoid I'm getting, and it seems to all revolve around my brain and its' unbelievably delusional story lines. No, it's no one's fault but mine, but all I wish is for someone to give me answers. My brain can't take all these questions without getting all the necessary answers. I don't care anymore if I end up more torn than before.. I just want to find out. I know that I don't know what I'm asking for, but the hell with it..

Maybe it's me, maybe it's the air, or maybe it's the drama that has ensued in the past few days which has afforded me the pleasure of being an audience of, but I think more and more that politics is the grandest of all the games left to play for adults.. I was supposed to go into political science, but I came to the realization that it was something that I'd hate because I feel disgusted that I'd try to make a difference by pursuing a path that many have chosen to sully.. but now I feel as though I want to launch myself back into the advocacy that is politics..

Why call it an advocacy? Why call it something that sounds like it was something that needed to be heard out, to be defended? Like a cause of such importance when people say it's the dirtiest game in town, a game that is played with such disdain that people are more known for infamy than most anything else? Because it IS something we all must come to realize, we must all come to terms with. The constitution enabled us to actively participate in the process of continuous self-determination which occurs every time we elect to power people we call the representatives of our innermost desires. As such, we must realize that it is something we all must care about, and as such it must be heard out.

Politics is labeled now as something that involves corruption and the system that is perfectly imperfect. What do I mean? You have to be blind as a bat not to see everything happening around us. All this issues and debates, and what do we have to show for all these filibusters by our solons? Nothing. Ka-put. Zilch, and yet they have the balls to stay in power and claim that they are the voice of the people, but it doesn't stop there; we are a system that is just WAITING to happen. The Constitution has holes, sure, but for the most part, it is a good one. It is the execution (and at this point, people say I'm idealistic) of these laws that contention happen, because these so called legislators only choose to interpret, for their own means, exerpts which they further twist. You can't quote me on this, but I'm willing to wager that half of the members of the Bi-cameral Congress don't know the articles that pertain to their duties. This is a sad idea to conceive, and yet I think it hurts because it will turn out to be nothing but true. Sad, but it isn't the real problem.

The Church's involvement? Sure, maybe, but it's still not the main problem. They are explicitly not supposed to involve themselves, but throughout history, from colonial times even, the friars and the government were always at odds. The cross against the sword, and the people chose the cross because of the illusion of safety, I say illusion here in the sense that these friars and priests chose to employ the tactic of sympathy and care, not just as part of their vocation, but I dare say that they sincerely want the people to think that God's Agents could run the government. God forbid that happen, because then the laws would be an abomination to look at and it'd be very scary, to say the least. I would have written a piece about this, but I was deceived by the perception that no one'd read it, and I'd face serious repercussions if I do so (the Varsitarian would have a field day if it got published, and who's to say that it'd be even published, in this country which is an illusory theocracy pretending not to be so). Then again, why the theocracy crack? Think about it - the church is nothing but an interest group. Yes, you heard me, an interest group. They have their own desires, ambitions and illusions. They enforce their will through lobbying, just like every political interest group, except they do it in the pretense of promoting God's work.. an absolute joke, if you ask me. Consider this, the Church may consider that canon law is higher than the Constitution, that confessional seals may not be broken even if it meant justice. Am I the only one who sees this as insane?? Well, in the Catholic school I study at, probably not, but, and this is critical, the political system makes it sound as if it's okay to do so. I know I'm spouting bullshit right now, complaining on and on without a course of action. Sure, I can argue all I want, but as long as I have had nothing to show for it, how can I complain, which is my next point.

Activism. People see it as rallying and bitching in certain areas. Little pockets of resistance, embodied mostly by the angry youths over at the other side of Katipunan, rushing to the streets at the first sign of trouble, armed with placards. I find it all funny that they'd do it over things which I apparently do not understand, but deep down I want to see this happen in my school, but oh no, that's the last thing we'd ever do. I know this sounds old as hell, but people need to wake up. History dictates that we resolve issues first with diplomacy, lest every little problem end in war,but what are we to do when negotiations fail and we have nothing left but the dire straits that we are forced to fight for? Simple, we run to EDSA,hoping that it will make bearing it better, each time trying to make people understand, but do they? Finally, we come to the root of it all...

People. The fickle public whose votes the politicians whore themselves out for. The public has, and always will be, swayed by the simple acts of distraction that is offered them, be it the gladiators of rome, or the modern media, anything to muddle the minds of the people.. People who adopt a mob mentality and are forced to swallow the media's bombardment. Smear campaigns sway them to and fro, and they decide by popularity. Sure some take the time to understand, but most of them decide that if the TV says it is, then it must be. Then these people bitch and moan when something goes wrong and they do as aforementioned.. tsk3.. that is, in a nutshell, the Philippine political system..

Politicians and pseudo-politicians out there have to understand that things must change. This is a cycle and it starts and ends with you guys. You have to understand exactly what is necessary for you to do. Realize that you have to play by the rulebook, and that means the Constitution. Do not make up your own rules and norms. Do not resort to bombarding the public with smear campaigns. Do not wax retoric and expect the people to fill in the gaps. The problem is you guys make it sound so beautiful and elegant when it simply is fuck ugly in reality. Okay, I get it that you're trying to win the election, but can you guys not coat it with sugar? I mean, I think the people are smart or sensible enough to understand their condition in life, and they perceive thay politicians do nothing but waste time and money. Things must change now, and we must begin here. The public image is something that can be won back. Public trust will come with accountablity. The old system cannot work if no one succumbs to it. People forget that the Constitution was written by people noble enough to understand that the system was to be in the favor of the public interest,and not for the few. Call me an idealist if you will, but this is an ideal that we can and must fight for. Things will change, but we have to make it happen ourselves...

Sooooo... new year should mean that things might change for the better, right? So why the hell am I returning to these age-old patterns? Maybe it's my stupid rebellion from the system kicking in, refusing to accept the sludge the course is force-feeding me..

I envy those rich bastards out there who have enough money (either through a healthy trust fund or a sudden affluence brought about by the luckiest of circumstances) to do what they actually want in life.. this is one reason why AB Lit hasn't been removed from the list of subjects in the Ateneo curriculum, because honestly would a school continue to operate a non-profiting course (let's not go into the ironies of said statement, with the Jesuits having sworn to poverty and all.. my system is refusing anything theological as well and the lack of motivation to write my article is driving this rejection further and further).. I want to be able to have outrageous stories and nights that make me forget what the hell I even did.. I suppose I'm more like every one else that way.. the need to forget.. but I think it's worse when you can imagine it all unreeling from start to finish, like a full-length movie that leaves me wishing that WAS how it all happened..

I remember a quote from Clancy: "the freedom to choose a future is the greatest gift to give to a child as he/she grows up" (of course it's not verbatim, I just kind of.. oh you know..).. and that was the most correct idea Clancy had (not that I dislike screwing over other countries by playing secret agent man, heck I'm just frustrated our country is the doormat of many of these countries (probably because any , well mostly from Europe.. I'd like to think we can bully those African countries (fine, racist comment, but true nonetheless.. well not every country, but those with inferior status when compared to us).. you guys have debts too, so SHOVE IT UP YOUR COLLECTIVE A**ES AND CLAM UP (I'm not even sure that's an appropriate commentary to make, what with the whole world in crisis mode.. no thanks to the self-proclaimed "only superpower left".. history was bound to head east for quite some time now, America set the world a few decades back by maintaining its' power.. it will be either China or India that will make the next move to rule the world.. imagine Russia as a Chinese territory, and that's for starters..scary haha, but it will be an interesting war.. the chinks trying to defeat Russia's greatest general, General Winter, and how do you even deliver political knockout when St Petersburg is in the Eastern European region, and that would mean crossing the length of Siberia, not that they lack manpower, heck they need the war just for the hell of population control (my my isn't someone overly evil today).. haha))

So, back on point.. I just envy those people who truly do what they want in life,and have enough to cover them when they hit a certain wall, and even though I won't get it now, since I pretty much hate everything I'm doing, I've decided to give that very gift to my children.. the chance to choose and not let financial crises get in the way of their passion... and I don't even know what the heck brought this on.. maybe it was the culmination of all these frustrations, demons I thought I got rid of way back then.. maybe it comes with the territory.. you just start rejecting stuff and you need a higher dosage, and when that doesn't quite work out, inject even higher doses.. keep injecting until the body breaks down and can't take it anymore.. but, who said you stop there: you keep on injecting, because you know it's the only way you'll ever heal, ever be accepted, the only way you can do what you HAVE to and not what you WANT to.. I know, I know.. this is fucking old.. but some things never heal right through completely..

Doing posts on the spot is a bother.. I wish I could plan stuff out, then again, this'd probably be the best I could do, given all other circumstances.. who said I can articulate well? I'm most always at a loss for words... who am I even kidding.. *sigh*.. it's.. no, that'd be wrong.. it's me and only me..  I can't put anyone else up as my scapegoat.. it's not fair.. besides, if I did do that, I'd just be labeled as the "selfish kid who doesn't know where to point"... the last thing I want anyone to call me would be selfish, because that's exactly.. the truth.. I'm a selfish SOB but you can't say that.. I didn't give you the right to point the finger at me.. I already know.. don't tell me.. I don't need you..

Two days back from school and I'm totally drained.. these early-morning writing sessions (this morning started at 3 for me.. I couldn't finish a page because my brain refused to continue writing) are playing with my mind.. I'm getting sleepier by the hour.. I might have to postpone this for a while.. just until I normalize.. I'm learning more and more though that my mind does its' best writing at witching hours (which is not limited to 2-3 in the morning, but starts at 12 and ends at 3.. hmm.. I think I can see something here.. haha.. better take note for later..) and that my writing works best when I'm feeling conflicted.. I'm advancing through this novel with more gusto than all my other previous projects (this includes my history book on a world I created back in high school.. and that filled 3 and a half notebooks.. I used to use it for my projects, but I decided to stick to actual history.. It'd be kind of hard to talk about a fictional world and their past events without exposing the full history (which was mostly warring states for oh, I don't know.. 2000 years?? haha.. although not that different from actual history, but the names and places are too far away..) and I will not show people that..

Today in history, we touched again upon the Catholic Church and its' untouchable status from the past to the present to probably the end of time as we know it. I really don't get what people have to fear from the Church.. oh, right.. Eternal damnation.. I've been hitting the Church hard, but with good reason : they are, and will continue to be, the major hindrance to progress of this state. Even if they are a necesary evil, their very arbitrary judgments and hasty decisions, which I must admit are sometimes the necessary steps to take, are mostly very disruptive from the normal flow.. although nothing is pretty much normal in this country..

I came face-to-face with a lot of things today.. I was forced to look closer and I don't like what I see.. not at all..

It definitely IS a new year.. but as for a happy one? We'll have to see..

This is me, and here's to a new year.. let's see how this one plays out..

btw the song I'm listening to majorly rocks.. haha..

since I can't make quite a splendid job as others with year-end posts, let's just browse quickly through what happened this year in my personal history:

- I turned 18 this year.. finally.. legal culpability how I have wished for you for so long.. it sucks being a year younger than everyone else.. especially when no one believes that you're actually younger than them..
- This time last year I was emotionally on the fringe ( a good question to ask at this point is when I'm not actually on the fringe emotionally ) but now I'm in control of my emotions and keeping them under check
- But of course, there were occasional outbursts (who can avoid them) scattered around the pages of this blog
- I have completed my last year's resolution of fixing old awkwardness.. it took me a long time but I think my emotional development helped a little here
- Learned (or rather rediscovered) a talent! I found out my speed reading wasn't really gone.. just needed proper motivation
- Learned more about people around me.. am now more able to read people, but it's still iffy at best.. I just know for a fact that I don't do well with birthdays..
- Being a Junior and in charge of schedules is a blast.. I can set up my schedule to fit my morning personality..
- Discovered that even morning people can turn nocturnal (although not Vampiric just yet)
- Created a Plurk account.. and it's now the only social networking site I even visit.. my multiply, friendster and face book accounts are probably gathering dust as we speak..
- became a little more politically charged because of all this controversies and scandals, but I'm (still) taking a stand of "we should bother  when we have the proper capability to do so", of course I tried to talk about this with my UP friends and I got my words twisted into the "Ateneo" standpoint of passive acceptance and an elitist view.. of course I just shut up at that point because I knew I wouldn't convince anyone once school names started being dropped and they realize that we weren't MaScians anymore.. but I'm still hoping they've seen the light (and I think they have)
- I came face-to-face with the reality that I'm a few years away from graduation and I still don't know what the hell to do about it all.. my course that I specially hate and me passion that I can't make money out of...
- shut down all but one blog.. yeah say goodbye to themoonsreflection, starlightshade, and solarpolaris.. no one has read any of these other blogs so the names can come out now.. haha..


that was the year that was, now what I want to do for the year to be
- fix the final bridge.. this will be pretty hard, but not impossible
- write that stupid article.. the Church better be ready for my barrage because I'm turning off the breaks tomorrow..
- try to accept the fact that I'll be entering my last year as a teenager when I turn 19 in two months' time
- finish the research for my novel
- get into the DL this year and keep it that way..
- write the said novel
- try out this morning/nocturnal combination a lil longer and see if I can retain sanity after it all
- updates.. I have to make them fewer and farther.. not 24 or 48-hour intervals of each other.. makes chronicling all that much harder..

Good bye 2008! Hello 2009!

Well.. isn't this a happy development?? haha.. Christmas is over and I'm waiting for new year to hit me.. I have done some research but I'm struggling with the over-all theme.. I was thinking the major arcana, but I still can't pick which 9 of the 21 I'll use.. one major reason for using the major arcana is each arcana has qualities and personalities..  therefore making characterization easier than usual.. but then again, there are 21 of them... so I'll probably use 18 and decide to create the decoy arcanas.. and I'm thinking of seperating them under the major arcanas of the moon (18) and the sun(19).. ahh.. now I remember..

The moon.. haha.. Dr. Asis once said that the moon was connected with the crazed emotions of love.. lunacy, moonlight walks and the sort.. yet, I choose the moon as my personal symbol ( I haven't yet tried getting a card reading and seeing if my indicator card is the moon, but I have the faint feeling that it will be).. and now I understand what those 3 jacks meant (we were at bluskies and nic, toni, hans and glad asked me to draw a card, which was a jack.. I tried again, and a jack came up, last try was again a jack.. it was just a shock to me).. haha.. the moon is a fool's sun.. a reflection of an aura and a sign of ultimate mystery.. my personal symbol.. and it is a highly creative symbol, but again I will not chain myself to this interpretation of the moon.. my own meanings have been formed and at this point I don't want to change them..

anyhow.. moving on..
Last week of the break..
Update on writing
Article: 20% done
Novel: 30% research done, 0% writing done

Yes, it's a very slow pace for me, but I'm having too much fun playing around with stupid ideas.. I always wonder though when I make the novel if I make all the characters (which I have decided will all be girls of different statures and status throughout history, from mothers and daughters to queens) develop emotions for the angel trying to save their soul.. then I realize that's just stupid..  and then it hits me that if I do that, I might ensure myself a market, but really, to write with conviction must mean that I believe what I write, and somehow, after theo, my beliefs on love have been altered and warped so far that I sometimes look back and realize that I was just purely in the pursuit of my selfish happiness.. but you really wouldn't be interested with that, would you? Okay..

So, what exactly do I do when I'm not writing?? Overload my beloved PlayStation with Call of Duty, NBA 2K9 ( NY Knicks with King James booya! 4 championships and counting..) and Shadow of Rome (which I particularly like because of all the goriness).. But I've only done so much because we/I keep going to far away places.. before Christmas even struck, I had this genius idea to go to Quiapo to clear my head and score some DVDs for my marathon.. but I ended up being confronted by every claustrophobic's worst nightmare: Having to move through a crowd that seems to drag you around.. I eventually got to the DVD section, and there was this guy who kept pushing his very age-restricted material on me.. eww.. this 25th we went to Ayala-Alabang to spend christmas with the Franco side of the family (the normal side at least, the snobbish ones haven't set an appointment yet, and here's to hoping they never set one).. lunch was fine... then we left around 3 to go to QC (which is about end to end for those who don't know) to get my brother's stuff because he came home on the 25th.. then we went to Rob Manila (not that far) to eat out with the Lim side of the family ( the partial one because my cousins weren't complete) , but before that we bought my brother's laptop.. an Acer One Aspire (a small laptop with an Atom Processor) then we left at around 9 and went to sleep at around 2 because we were busy moving files to and fro.. and this 26th I refused to budge to go to Cavite to visit my uncle who came home from the States because of his condition.. and I do hope we go nowhere else because I am not the most patient person inside a car..

I'll post my year-ender sometime this week..
 

Today marks the start of my catch-up phase of my break, where I try to watch as much media as I can (movies, series, talk shows, news, whatever) just so I can stay "current".. but I found myself gawking at the silliness of Twilight (can you blame me? I didn't want to look like an overexcited fan.. and I certainly do not fit into the "unfortunate boyfriend/husband category" (kind of self-explanatory as I had heard that some guys were dragged kicking and screaming (hyperbolic but paints a rather nice picture) into the movie by their beloved and ended up regretting every minute of it)).. I mean how pale can pale as snow be?? And it so does not help that every time I see them staring at each other, I feel awkward for them (it was ok when I was painting a mental image using the book's words.. but this was rather.. invasive).. I felt like they were ready to just go at it every chance they got, and it so did not give me nice afternoon siesta dreams.. but bias aside (because I don't take so lightly to books turned movies) it was pretty nice, but I never could really get over the invasive nature of the film.. or maybe that was just me flinching at every romance scene.. I almost feel tempted to classify it as "ick flick" and I prolly will (I'm going to get flak attacks, I just know it) just for giving me the freaky feeling..

Finished Heroes Season 2 today as well.. I was probably on a high when I watched it though since I ran through the episodes like I would a nice slice of delicious cake (I'm not sugar overloading.. yet.. I'm saving that for midnight escapades between me and my pen (which I will probably start on th 26th.. which gives me 2 days to consolidate all my notes and ramblings.. yeah right.. what with Christmas Eve and Christmas Day around the corner.. but still more impossible things have been done.. and I'm always up for a challenge..) Tomorrow I'm looking forward to the last day of Misa de Gallo (ha ha.. that would explain a lot..), watching Season 3.. and Wall-E and Tropic Thunder.. and evening mass and the big Christmas feast.. oh my god, as if I needed more excuse to pig out...

I want to say much more, but I guess I have to stop here..

This is a slow break for me in terms of productivity..
Article: 10% done
Novel: 0% research done, therefore 0% writing done
I'm taking my sweet time writing because I figured out that nothing good will happen when I rush all this stuff.. the 3-day rule does not apply to my "personal" writings.. a 4-stanza standard poem of mine would probably take a week at least, and then it won't be perfect yet.. although maybe it's because I'm too tough a critic.. but with good reason..
On the last day of classes, someone asked me why I didn't present some of my writing material for publishing.. I said that it's hard and tough here, because novices like me don't get published as easily as if you had a name in the industry, like for example these national artists and their hand-picked apprentices or professors who have an extensive network of publisher friends.. so, for me to even have a whisper of a chance, I have to either:
- establish my own network (which I COULD have probably done had I been in AB Lit.. but no regrets)
- be a damned good writer (like being someone that took all these orderly structures and transformed them and revolutionized the industry.. or a founder of a new literary movement that will take the world by storm)
I have no chance with the first one, and I think the second one has less chance of even penetrating the thick wall that is public recognition.. readers are as fickle as Roman crowds watching gladiators, and they cheer for only their favorites.. but I won't quit.. so easily just yet..
I like how things are, and maybe I won't do anything to change them, but things end faster than they begin,so I'm just enjoying the ride for now..

News update: If you didn't see it on TV today, Former Pres. Cory Aquino apologized to Former Pres. Joesph Estrada for being guilty for a part of the uprising we have (un)justly christened as EDSA II last 2003. Although this has no importance for the ordinary citizen, keen observers will note that this admission of guilt of hers is an inclination that she has joined the list of political bigwigs (I'm not sure if this observation is still news) that have fallen out with the incumbent President-elect.. but the meaning of the apology goes further than that and gives a suspicion that Mrs. Aquino may have wanted "Erap" to stay in office and finish out his term amidst all the issues.. this idea of course becomes absurd as the public will themselves call-out "no confidence" and revolt against the government of Mr. Estrada.. and maybe it's just me, but is he gearing up to run? Because the moment he does, he will break terms of his pardon, which distinctly states that he CANNOT run for Presidency.. but, heck, the whole country probably only thinks he got a slap on the arm for his crimes and that was that.. but the overall picture still isn't nice.. we have a country in serious need of a makeover, and the people who can step up are either dead or uncaring anymore (in which case,they might as well be dead).. Tom Clancy said it best through Jack Ryan.. "..Talent goes where the cash is. Maybe that's why the people that end up here (White House) are like this." (I had to rephrase because I couldn't remember verbatim)... maybe this applies here as well.. we cannot begin to question the moral merits of our politicians without asking the question of their professional merit. Let's be honest, they are people nonethelss (however much I wish that they transcend human needs and become omniscient, but again..) and they wouldn't do anything for free.. which begs the question: should we change the qualifications of the Presidency to account for financial worth? Because I think those people who have a lot will not ask for more, and people with money would do the job fast just to get it over with.. there'd be no bureaucratic crap because a man with so much money would rather live in comfort than to run a country.. but of course he would have some personal issues with sincerely paying back.. and he would probably do a better job.. but the equal rights people would scream their asses off, saying that this is not fair to those who could be worthy of the right, but wouldn't fit the qualifications, but then what would be the odds that your billionaire would become corrupt when he could probably earn what he can steal while he sleeps on his pillow, as compared to your impoverished genius, who'd probably lose himself in the power and go crazy.. but, heck.. who'd listen anyway..

It's almost been 11 hours since the end of that math exam (of which I will not speak of anymore..).. today was weird for me.. mainly because I had so many conflicting emotions overcoming me today..
1.) I felt really sad that the year (2008) ended for my philo barkada.. we were just beginning to get along really well.. but that's why there's a next year..
2.) I felt relieved that the year ended with almost all my loose ends tied up, if not completely reworked..
3.) and yet, I felt this distance from every one else.. we were at Flaming Wings when I realized that all of them were committed to their courses,whereas I was in such a rush to get out.. and who was I kidding.. my works were too radical for anybody else to see them.. I speak of moderation, and yet I write as though I have a care and I had chosen to exhibit this care by writing a very strong piece that will then never see the light of day.. now I realize that all along, I was committing an act of hypocrisy.. but, it all feels so right.. the feeling that I can write like this, that I can somehow break from this group think - this idea of a hive mentality. But, the break also has its' bad points.. people often mistake my realistic view for one that seems idealistic.. they only sound idealistic because the people who make that mistake forget that the original order of things have been completely scrapped in favor of a view that is totally idealistic, but given that they dictate the "letter of the law", this original sense of what was real becomes the illusory ideal, while the concocted principles become the dogma which we adhere to. People have berated me openly for this thinking, but I stand by my belief: the system is corrupted, at the core of its' execution, because of the selfish interpretations of those who are in power..
4.) I feel so drained, mostly because I have been almost vampiric this last week.. my sleeping patterns have been completely disrupted..

extra update..
5.) I still feel sore.. my hands are not meant for rocking out at fast speeds.. especially when I feel all fidget-y and stuff.. plus it so does not help when there are other factors disrupting my normal pace of thought.. (PS.. must STOP thinking about stuff when notes are flying by.. it does not help the team out in any way..)
6.) I still feel sleepy (which proves I am NOT a vampire.. take that nic.. haha)...
7.) I feel stupid and drowsy.. might have to clear my head a little bit later.. a walk in the smoke-infested cesspool of Pasay City might do the job...

I had originally planned to stop writing here for a while, to compose my thoughts so that I could come up with a more, shall we say, coherent post, but times and circumstances have come upon me that I must put something here so I can once again function normally (if ever I functioned normally before), call it a burst of impulse if you will, but I have been handling all impulsive urges quite well, if I may say so.. a little too well.. I'm starting to wonder if all this new-found peace of mine has something to do with a statement I have come to terms with (even if the utterance of the statement would have normally repulsed me if I had not been more in control).. I seem to be reaching a point of impasse with a lot of things, and I must cede to the notion of this eternal stalemate, even if it is only an illusion I create, just so I can make sense of a lot of events and occurrences that have hit me as if waves upon waves of a pure impulsive nature, ranging from the most illogical to the most horribly logical that it becomes worst than my most illogical of motives..

What then do I have left? A mixture of words that make absolutely no sense.. and yet it is this seemingly confusing paragraph that unlocks the truth.. but bah.. I'm leaving the interpretation to the poor soul who comes across this..

I'm so frustrated.. (there, I'm using sentences that make sense.. happy??) People should understand by now the concept of teamwork (I don't particularly understand it myself, but I expect other more-well adjusted people to (yeah, I'm harsh that way)) and not leave me and glad hanging for a theology outline. And now they expect me to direct traffic again?? Over something I've been prioritizing over math and eco (eco's fine, but math.. after seeing my name watch-listed (which I suspected for a while.. having no grade higher than a B can do that, I suppose, plus I have a D and a F, so there)), I have no choice whatsoever but to pretend for a while longer (which is turning out to be easier now than ever.. must have something to do with my measures.. which just shows me how not all my plans fail.. ), which means that I have to do a little bit ( or a whole lot ) better.. and having asses for groupmates does not make me more effective in my acting job.. not when I have to go running around the lib, evading ate's eyes as I photocopy of document after document for masturbation (damn 5 book limit.. DLs have it so easy.. 10 books.. imagine the big help that'd be?? but no some people refuse to use this magical privelege.. can't the lib grant 10 book limit based on need rather than academic achievemnt?? whatev).. arrgh.. and they expect me to have something for them?? fucktards..

Can't wait for break to end..

I'm shutting down several blogs after this post. I don't know why, but it seems like my writing is reaching another sense of confusion. There's a lot of bullshit that I'm going through, and its high time I faced facts - it just wasn't. I can't continue this path.

If there was probably one thing that came out of all this bullshit experiment - it would be the fact that I now know..